In My Own Way

While in the deepest valley of my depression, I could not see that I was in my own way. I was in active therapy, every 30 days I saw my therapist. Yet, I kept falling deeper into my dark space. No one knew what I did not tell. My secrets, my sleep patterns, the anger, confusion, and self-hatred I harbored. Although, I sought help I did not let help into my world, I was in my own way.

A doctor or therapist is only as good as their patient allows them to be. My illness finally demanded the attention and I made a very public scene. If I had told my secrets would I have avoided the public scene? I reason that yes my life would be different. My journey would have led me somewhere, but I am happy to be here. I am able to share my story. I hold the possibility of helping another family or patient with this disease.

I no longer ignore the thoughts. I do not let the feelings control me. I talk and tell I let someone help. I practice what I have been taught. The voice in my head is no longer the only one who understands. The benefit of this change is peace. The anxious behavior, racing heart, and fear are not overwhelming. I can sleep, eat, work and play again. Life is good since I stepped out of my own way.

Time to Grow Time to Eliminate the Double Standard

Women are very contrary creatures. We get angry over the double standards of societies good ole boy will be boys; Charlie Sheen. Yet when other women, Lindsay Lohan or Britney Spears act in much the same way as a man we women are the first to crucify them for their actions. Are women the guardians of the good ole boys will be boys double standard? I believe we do keep the double standard alive and well in society.

What would happen if men began to hold each other accountable? Would the world be a better place? Would women not find these nurturing examples of manliness unattractive? Would changing the bad boy into a respectable father throw us off our game and rattle society?

Women are the keepers of the rules. We perpetrate and keep fertile the good ole boys will be boys rule. We do not pursue change of ideas to allow the abandonment of the old order. Are we stuck in the stereo type of woman? Why do we sit eagerly enabling and applauding Charlie Sheen to be a bad boy, beat his women, talk poorly of his employers and deny his addictions? When in turn we blog and talk badly appalled by the actions of  female celebrities when they behave badly, leave their spouses, abandon children or have public nervous break downs.

My fellow women it is time to grow. We are the ones whom hold each other to high standards, now is the time to hold men to those same standards. Our men will never abandon the double standard society unless women begin to either hold men to the standard of women or let women fall into the boy’s will be boys pile.

Time to Grow Eliminating the Double Standard the Question

Charlie Sheen vs Lindsay Lohan: Does society hold them to different standards of etiquette or behavior? (elaborate in comments!)

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click the link above to vote on SkinnyScoop.com

Learning to Take It or Leave It

My spirit is in order and happy. Depression has taken a back seat in my life and happiness abounds. This is awesome, things are not cheery and bright, as a matter of fact financially I am struggling mercilessly. Emotionally I am in heaven.

A small piece of heaven

Change has never been my strong suit. I have avoided it at times not wanting to move with it. The ebbs and flows of life have overwhelmed me and I have unwelcome d change with passion. My change in attitude is welcomed.

I saw a tweet this morning from a young mother irritated about something very minute that happened in less than a minute. I may have lost her as a follower my tweet back “Change your attitude and enjoy your toddler.” If she is at all like me or the past me she stopped following me or blocked me not wanting to be corrected and seeing my comment at a threat.

I have changed pleasantly I now know any comment made by anyone is advice. As a parent I also know advice can be taken or left, we take what we need and we leave the rest. I think that adjustment in attitude for me has been a big leap in my recovery. I know longer see suggestions as threats or as criticisms to my skill or talent. Suggestions and advice are cues from others that you either take and use or leave where they lay.

That is one of many changes that make me a happier person.

In the consideration of a lack of time.

I want to share with you a link to my other blog. I am not able to post to both of these blogs today since I am trying to move and busy downsizing. So please enjoy and forgive my business.

Teresa’s Thoughts and Ideas

From Princess Diana to Sally Struthers

My wordless Wednesday pics

2011-02-16

Check back tomorrow as I will tell the “REST OF THE STORY” per Paul Harvey

Conflicted and Using Resources

Conflicted: confused or ambivalent because of competing desires, possibilities, or impulses

I find myself conflicted most days. I have a lot of desire. My talents give my lost of possibilities and learning not to act on every impulse is daunting. I have been through many years of therapy and learning how to control all of the items that conflict me is wonderful. A tool box of resources is the key to maintaining goals.

Writing is a big tool. I use writing to work out feelings and desires. Many therapists suggest a journal or some form of writing as a basic tool to work out conflict learn about ones self. I agree I have always been a writer. I just did not know that the stories of women in trouble, family in trouble, and all the pain I wrote of in my stories was a form of therapy.

A resource to use, but I did not understand as a young woman that the trauma I wrote about was the depression creature looming in my mind. Now I am not suggesting that everyone that writes dark stories of stress and mayhem are chronic depressives. I am saying that in my particular case that is the truth for me. My main characters are usually innocents, pure of heart and simple people whom find them being mistreated or in disastrous situations to survive. Survival is the goal in all of my stories, yet as I slipped into the deep dark underworld of chronic depression my will to survive personally vanished. I wrote a lot about the destruction of my innocent main characters. Their torturous death was my mind leading me to end my life.

When my mind is in survival mode my characters find the will and energy to survive. If I begin to slip into a murderous beast winning and crucifying my main character I have usually begun to tumble in my mind to self destruction. I can prove this within my own stories written late 2007 and early 2008. My characters all died or were maimed to a sub human level.

Writing is a resource for me not only to work out my battle with Chronic Depression but also a tool to track my daily battle with this disease. I find it to be much like a thermometer gauging the progression of my illness. I can also provide my writing to my therapist as a reference point at a given time that I acted irrational or extremely rational. Writing is my thermometer of feeling.